Saturday, April 14, 2007

The Theory of Breaking Up - or - "Why We Can't Leave Easily From Bad Relationships"

My theory is that we generally have a hard time to leave from bad relationships or breaking up from someone who's not deserving or mistreats us....because our own ego.

I't very simple to demonstrate.

Let's assume you're in a bad relationship and your partner is not treating you right or not respects you as he/she should, or as you feel like he / she should.
Either is neglecting you, or fooling around, taking advantage of you, both psihically and mentally, even abuses you in some way.

Any rationale individual from outside your relationship would tell you in a second - "leave him / her". Why we cannot do it - leave them easily?

Because if someone treats you bad and you know you don't deserve it, if someone abuses you or neglects you - that person is doing something wrong to you and you instinctively need to prove it to them that they're wrong, that you're a good person who deserves better, deserves to be loved and respected.
You need reassurance that's nothing wrong with you and they are the wrongdoers.

You can't leave someone without convincing them that they're doing wrong to you - it would be like admitting the guilt for something you didn't do.
Our ego dictates us to make ourselves justice. Prove to them that we don't deserve to be mistreated.

So, instead of leaving their sorry ass behind, we do exactly the contraire, trying to convince them that we deserve to be treated better.
Guess what - it never works.
We just go into a conflict with our partners and with ourselves deeper and deeper, because we care about our image that we have about ourselves in the eyes of the abuser. We need to prove them they're wrong.

Our own ego wants us to demonstrate to those that are wrongdoing us - that we don't deserve it. We can't leave them in ignorance - we must correct the twisted image they have in their mind about us.
Once we do that, we easily can break up.

How many of you guys and girls didn't care that much about someone that loved you geniunely and easily turn your back to them if the feeling was not mutual, but instead spend hours to convince a jerk that you don't deserve to be dumped by him/ her?

That's because someone who loves you already knows how a wonderful person you are. You don't need to prove anything to someone who loves you. You're already their hero. It's done deal.
You can break up easily from someone who loves you. Of course the pain and suffering is going to be on the other end - but you personally will be ok in no time.

But when someone tries to break up with you - than you start to think "What's wrong with me?" "Why him or her doesn't want me anymore?" "Why they treat me badly?" "I'm a wonderful person I need to prove them they're wrong and I deserve their love and attention."

Our ego again. We suffer when our own image is not respected. We want to correct that. We can't leave - even from a bad relationship - until we do it- correct our image.

The more someone mistreats you - the more you want to convince them they're wrong in their actions. It takes time and effort to do that and of course you hang around them trying to teach them the truth about your kind nature. It will only get worst.

You may want to give it a chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. I speak from experience, and I'm grateful to the ones that gave me a chance to say "I'm sorry!" and act upon it.

No more than three strikes tough. After three strikes - you're out.

Look for the signs. You'll know them when you see them.
It's starts with lesser phone calls during lunch hours and excuses because extra work or a deadline, than sudden meetings or friends gatherings you can't attend because "you can't stand my friends" or "you'll be bored because we'll talk about business" or for some other reason.
Working overtime, smelling better when they come home after a long work day. A new credit card that you don't have access to and can't see the balance. Cash withdrawals. Expensive mobile phone bills with bunch of text messages that you never got.
A frugal kiss on the run and less "I love you" or "How you've been today". Less sex. Less good sex. Less passionate sex. Or - au contraire - better sex or techniques achieved overnight. More of "I was so busy at work and I couldn't call you back".

Than the hardcore signs - calling names, shouting, slapping, bruises, black eyes that you may get. When you get those -there's no brainer -you're at the end of the relationship.
Get out fast before someone gets really hurt or in jail.

Look for those signs. Don't pretend they're not there. Bring them to the table and discuss them with your partner. See what she/ he has to say.
Say what you don't like and what changes you want to see. Demand those changes. Ask about their expectations from you. Communicate. Maybe it's a misunderstanding.
But if it's not and they went out of the line with you -let them know or remind them about the rules and take a red lipstick and make a mark on your/theirs fridge door. Strike ONE.

If it happens again in a few days, or heck in a few years. Talk again about it. Clear things up if you can. They may say they're sorry. But if wrong happened to you - regardless if they're sorry or not - mark it down again. Strike TWO.

If you're lucky and choosed your partner right - you may never have to go beyond Strike TWO.
But if you're not - and Strike THREE lands on your fridge door with a red lipstick...
Clear things up if you can. They may say they're sorry.

Than pack your stuff - or ask them to pack theirs.
Don't look back.
Or if you do, do it from a distance. And I meant both from an emotional and physical distance.

It's not simple at all but it's the only way. Trust me I know - and again from my experience too.

I've read this in a book - The Alchemist - about an old proverb saying:

"What happened Once may never happen again. What happened twice will likely happen again and again."
(the quote is more or less exact - but it perserves it's meaning)

So a short recap list and action plan that I personally recommend:

If shit happens - talk, clear, communicate, appologise and mean it. - Mark down Strike ONE.
Shit happens again - talk, clear, communicate, remind the rules - Mark down Strike TWO.
Shit happens again ( or hits the fan) - talk, clear, communicate, remind the rules - (just if you realy want to do that - so you can sleep better at night but you really don't have to).
Call it Strike THREE - and someone's gotta pack.

Forget about what your ego may say. Let it go.
Focus your efforts towards next person in your life that will appreciate you.

Ohh - and almost forgot about this - don't carry past baggage with you in the new relationships. It's not fair for the next person and not even for you.
If you need time to heal up - take your time. If your next partner loves you geniunely - he /she will wait for you.

This concludes the advice from "Dr Phil" from tonight - if you need further guidance please take a ticket and set up an appointment, lol :)

Wow, it's 4:46 AM - I need some sleep, I have to be at work in 7 hours..
Hopefully I'll dream tonight of my perfect "Eve". No lipstick on our fridge door.
...On her lips maybe. Tough I prefer natural beauties... lol.

Later all - wish you "no strikes" at all :)


NouveauBlogger said...

Hey there...linked over from Kahnee....

That's pretty insightful. I think you're onto something.

Anonymous said...

This is good information to contemplate; however, there seems to be much anger in this thought and you have left out a lot. Ask yourself did you really do all these things or are these things you should have done? I think if you had done half of what you say you would not be so angry at the other person. There is a lot said here. I suggest you look at yourself honestly first. Relationships don't break up with such anger and hatred if both people are honest with themselves and their partner. Ask yourself did you ever love the person, then ask yourself have you always been honest with yourself and them? My suggestion take the time to think about what went wrong and how you help to create the "bad relationship."

Anonymous said...

Calin you are so right! This is great advice. I saved this onto my browser favorites. Whenever I am down or unsure about a relationship I will read this. I do think this pertains to people who are immature and play games. Older crowd rules. :b